self care

Crisis of confidence

Good evening friends,

With summer round the corner, and being blessed with this glorious weather on the island, I’ve tried to make the most of getting out the house in the evenings and taking in the fresh air and sun.

A few weeks ago I had a bit of a shock.

I had worked out, wearing leggings and a tank top, hair pulled back, a little red and sweaty but relaxed, not looking my best but still. I flopped on the bed whilst I was on the phone to my friend, near to the end of the call
I did a double take, looked in the mirror and froze.
Who the hell was that looking back at me?

We finished our call and I sat there for minutes just sitting, staring and dissecting ever inch of myself.
When did I get so fat? I was shell shocked and disgusted with myself. My fiance walked in the room and I burst into tears.
I didn’t recognise myself and it was heart breaking. I don’t know how I didn’t see it.

I felt like Samantha from SATC when she gains weight….
‘I’ve been avoiding mirrors’

I felt bloated and flabby, my stomach had darker stretch marks, I found it hard to look in the mirror, even at just my face.
The next 2 days I felt disappointed and miserable, like I had let myself go.
My fiance was of course wonderful and comforting as always but I just felt vile.

I’m normally care free and confident, I know my size, or so I thought, but still rocked my curves.

I don’t want to trigger or upset anyone, so I won’t mention any sites etc, and I’m not proud of this, but I started looking up sites I used when I was in a dark place.

Food diaries of how to live on so little that your body is functioning, but just. Remembering how I would be so secretive, plan tiny meals and work outs, constantly weighing myself, and pinching my fat, and if I had to eat more than I wanted in front of people, it would normally end with me in the bathroom after. I sat and read, and sobbed for an hour.
I wasn’t going back there.

It is difficult though when you look back at that time as your ‘slimmer days’, where my mental health was declining, but everyone always thought I looked ‘so well’.
I might have been slimmer Kaya, but I wasn’t happy, or well, I was a shell of a person who was great at pretending with a fixed fake smile.

Next couple of weeks, I worked out a little harder and became striker with my food, in the back of my head reluctant to eat (which brings up past issues and wasn’t worth revisiting)

The door bell rang right before dinner was served – I had ordered a pair of mom jeans and sizes up, once they arrived I tore them open and threw them on. They fit. If you didn’t have to zip them up. I wanted to cry and throw dinner in the bin.
I begrudgingly ate dinner, and after just took time to think of my progress so far and take a deep breath.

You didn’t gain it in a day, so you won’t lose it in a day

A couple days later, we found out some of my partner’s friends were coming to the island for a few days and wanted to meet tomorrow night for drinks. I was dreading it.
All I could think was, In the last time they saw me I was a few stone lighter. I was so upset and embarrassed.

Friday night rolled around, I did my hair and make up, felt glam and pretty and had a dress in mind. A new summer dress I hadn’t yet worn was hung in the wardrobe, a  flowing floral off the shoulder dress, perfect for the pub. It zipped, but didn’t fit. I looked like a potato. I didn’t even look in the mirror but could feel it didn’t look great.

I wanted to cry. To throw on my PJs, wipe off my make up and lay on the sofa alone with a chick flick and a bottle of wine. Sounds great, but it would of been a defeat.

I took a long deep breath and it just clicked. Okay, you feel fat, you did yesterday and you will tomorrow, because your weight isn’t going to change that quickly. Continue to work out hard, watch what you eat and get over it.

My now expanded stomach, chubbier arms and face wasn’t going to stop me from spending time with friends.

By the time we got to the pub and sat down the cards just floated away. They didn’t care (of course they didn’t, who would) we had such a laugh, with rounds after rounds of drinks, exchanging stories from our early 20’s, about music, etc, watching the sun set. It was incredible.

Saturday (yesterday) morning, we went out for breakfast so settle the hangover, before meeting the guys in another town for a catch up.
I thought I’d let the guys have some time alone to catch up, and sit on the beach alone.

The thought of a bikini didn’t thrill me, my arms, tummy, and back exposed on a busy beach isn’t exactly my favourite look, but it had to be done

I thought F it.

I packed up my towel, book, bottles of water, fruit and a magazine and got dropped off.
I found a quieter spot (2m apart), pulled off my dress and lay in the sun in my bikini.
I was a little hesitant, but cracked open my book and zoned out for the next 3 hours
So zoned out that I didn’t even think about sun cream… Today I am a lobster. Hopefully it’ll ran and not peel!

Picture is taken over my shoulder, you can see where my bikini top was tied at the back.

I’m glad I pushed myself to go out, to wear something I didn’t have the confidence to, because I know I would have been cussing myself roasting on the beach because I was wearing something just to cover up.

I can’t say I’m content with my weight, however I’m more accepting, I think I needed the shock and to fit a low to slap my bad attitude away.

Pandemic or not, your body goes through alot, as long as you’re happy and healthy that’s all that matters. Are you really going to let the size of your jeans or a little wobble stop you from making memories, sharing experiences with the ones you love?

Don’t give up on yourself, and be kind to your body.

Kaya •