I feel lost and as though I’ve lost my spark. Stay safe, take your time, write a list, and breath. We’ll get there
I feel lost and as though I’ve lost my spark. Stay safe, take your time, write a list, and breath. We’ll get there
Good afternoon friends!
How are you all doing this Sunny Saturday?
I have a fully free weekend, with no plans. How glorious does that sound?
I’ve been harping on recently about my poor mental health, exhaustion and stress, enough it enough, I need to throw myself back into the positive spin of things.
For everyone, life has been a bit of a emotional rollercoaster, it’s time to realise I can’t do everything, and that I have to give myself a break and improve my lifestyle slowly, step by step.
A few years ago I took part in a 100 day happiness photo challenge, and took to Pinterest to find something similar.
I found a simple and heartwarming 30 Day challenge by ‘captivating crazy’
We may be 7 days into the month, but there’s no point waiting until September to start the challenge so why not spread out the first 8 challenges over the weekend?
Screen shot this photo above and join me in this challenge
Good evening friends,
With summer round the corner, and being blessed with this glorious weather on the island, I’ve tried to make the most of getting out the house in the evenings and taking in the fresh air and sun.
A few weeks ago I had a bit of a shock.
I had worked out, wearing leggings and a tank top, hair pulled back, a little red and sweaty but relaxed, not looking my best but still. I flopped on the bed whilst I was on the phone to my friend, near to the end of the call
I did a double take, looked in the mirror and froze.
Who the hell was that looking back at me?
We finished our call and I sat there for minutes just sitting, staring and dissecting ever inch of myself.
When did I get so fat? I was shell shocked and disgusted with myself. My fiance walked in the room and I burst into tears.
I didn’t recognise myself and it was heart breaking. I don’t know how I didn’t see it.
I felt like Samantha from SATC when she gains weight….
‘I’ve been avoiding mirrors’
I felt bloated and flabby, my stomach had darker stretch marks, I found it hard to look in the mirror, even at just my face.
The next 2 days I felt disappointed and miserable, like I had let myself go.
My fiance was of course wonderful and comforting as always but I just felt vile.
I’m normally care free and confident, I know my size, or so I thought, but still rocked my curves.
I don’t want to trigger or upset anyone, so I won’t mention any sites etc, and I’m not proud of this, but I started looking up sites I used when I was in a dark place.
Food diaries of how to live on so little that your body is functioning, but just. Remembering how I would be so secretive, plan tiny meals and work outs, constantly weighing myself, and pinching my fat, and if I had to eat more than I wanted in front of people, it would normally end with me in the bathroom after. I sat and read, and sobbed for an hour.
I wasn’t going back there.
It is difficult though when you look back at that time as your ‘slimmer days’, where my mental health was declining, but everyone always thought I looked ‘so well’.
I might have been slimmer Kaya, but I wasn’t happy, or well, I was a shell of a person who was great at pretending with a fixed fake smile.
Next couple of weeks, I worked out a little harder and became striker with my food, in the back of my head reluctant to eat (which brings up past issues and wasn’t worth revisiting)
The door bell rang right before dinner was served – I had ordered a pair of mom jeans and sizes up, once they arrived I tore them open and threw them on. They fit. If you didn’t have to zip them up. I wanted to cry and throw dinner in the bin.
I begrudgingly ate dinner, and after just took time to think of my progress so far and take a deep breath.
You didn’t gain it in a day, so you won’t lose it in a day
A couple days later, we found out some of my partner’s friends were coming to the island for a few days and wanted to meet tomorrow night for drinks. I was dreading it.
All I could think was, In the last time they saw me I was a few stone lighter. I was so upset and embarrassed.
Friday night rolled around, I did my hair and make up, felt glam and pretty and had a dress in mind. A new summer dress I hadn’t yet worn was hung in the wardrobe, a flowing floral off the shoulder dress, perfect for the pub. It zipped, but didn’t fit. I looked like a potato. I didn’t even look in the mirror but could feel it didn’t look great.
I wanted to cry. To throw on my PJs, wipe off my make up and lay on the sofa alone with a chick flick and a bottle of wine. Sounds great, but it would of been a defeat.
I took a long deep breath and it just clicked. Okay, you feel fat, you did yesterday and you will tomorrow, because your weight isn’t going to change that quickly. Continue to work out hard, watch what you eat and get over it.
My now expanded stomach, chubbier arms and face wasn’t going to stop me from spending time with friends.
By the time we got to the pub and sat down the cards just floated away. They didn’t care (of course they didn’t, who would) we had such a laugh, with rounds after rounds of drinks, exchanging stories from our early 20’s, about music, etc, watching the sun set. It was incredible.
Saturday (yesterday) morning, we went out for breakfast so settle the hangover, before meeting the guys in another town for a catch up.
I thought I’d let the guys have some time alone to catch up, and sit on the beach alone.
The thought of a bikini didn’t thrill me, my arms, tummy, and back exposed on a busy beach isn’t exactly my favourite look, but it had to be done
I thought F it.
I packed up my towel, book, bottles of water, fruit and a magazine and got dropped off.
I found a quieter spot (2m apart), pulled off my dress and lay in the sun in my bikini.
I was a little hesitant, but cracked open my book and zoned out for the next 3 hours
So zoned out that I didn’t even think about sun cream… Today I am a lobster. Hopefully it’ll ran and not peel!
Picture is taken over my shoulder, you can see where my bikini top was tied at the back.
I’m glad I pushed myself to go out, to wear something I didn’t have the confidence to, because I know I would have been cussing myself roasting on the beach because I was wearing something just to cover up.
I can’t say I’m content with my weight, however I’m more accepting, I think I needed the shock and to fit a low to slap my bad attitude away.
Pandemic or not, your body goes through alot, as long as you’re happy and healthy that’s all that matters. Are you really going to let the size of your jeans or a little wobble stop you from making memories, sharing experiences with the ones you love?
Don’t give up on yourself, and be kind to your body.
Good afternoon friends,
This one’s been a long time coming. I apologise I’ve been away and on and off for the past few months.
I’ll try my best to keep each review short and sweet, as we have 3 ‘Your Bathbox’s to catch up on
For £9.99 and £2.99 P&P,.In each month’s ‘Your Bathbox’, you’ll receive 5 products which includes at least 2x bath bombs, 1x bath salts and a variety of goodies which can include soaps, make up, candles, and snacks.
This box was Valentine’s themed, with a Perfect selection of self love goodies
The coconut collaborative Little chocolate pot 45g Plant based, vegan and gluten free, made with coconut cream and ethically sourced. This thick Chocolate & coconut dessert is rich and morish, I would recommend however keep in mind this tiny dessert is 100 calories.
‘Love’ bomb RRP £4
The Lilac scented bomb turned my bath a beautiful soft pink. Does anyone else get SATC vibes?
Fizzy heart RRP £4
Satsuma scented with orange and pink glitter for the ultimate girly bath
Strawberry Prosecco Lip Butter balm RRP £3.75 from Littleheartgifts.co.uk
My new favourite lip balm, cruelty free, smells and tastes divine leaving a smooth shine on your newly nourished lips.
Love Potions skin softening soar RRP £3.50
‘Perfect for a evening soak before bed’, I’ve added this one to the collection for now.
Triple Blend Lux Bath Salts
The scent isn’t labeled, and I can’t pin it… But it smells nostalgic
Easter themed (complete with chick and bunny)
Luxury Himalayan bath salts RRP £3.50
Green tea salts, a little sprinkle for a refreshing soak
Chocolate scented bubble egg RRP £3.75 I didn’t think I’d be wild on chocolate scented soap, but this gives just the right about for sweetness
Freesia and Pear Chick RRP £4
Fruit, floral scented and the size of a real chick
Spring blossom bunny RRP £3.50
Blossom scented Pastel purple bath, of course I felt guilty about dunking the bunny
Botanical bath bag RRP £3
Once your bath has run, place in the tub and let the elderflower Scent slowly release
Dots and spots themed
(Slightly Monsters Inc themed, with Mike,Sully and Boo vibes)
Fruit salad bomb RRP £3.75 I’ll keep this confetti vibrant bomb for next time I need a soak and a spring in my step
Salted Caramel Bath Muffin RRP £3.75
remove the litter packaging and run under hot water to foam up the bath
Glittery. FYI there would be no judgement from me if someone took a bite
Dainty dot soap RRP £2
Floral, refreshing, clean and comforting scent.
Blueberry Bath Fizzer RRP £4
This spotty fizzy helps to send you off to sleep with nothing but sweet dreams
Luxury relax and sooth bath salts RRP £3.50
Packed with essential oils, these bath salts made my Saturday night
Which box is your favourite?
Good afternoon friends,
Yesterday morning/early afternoon, my fiance and I set off for a stroll
We didn’t anticipate such a long walk, but as the weather was so beautiful we decided to make the most of it.
We packed a lunch along with a flask of tea, wrapped up in layers, and set out for our trek. We walked from,
Carisbrook to the Tennyson trail to
Bowcomb down, towards Gatcombe, back through Carisbrook and into Newport.
Here’s just a few pictures from our journey
To walk for hours without a destination, to just chat, no distractions, getting exercise and taking in the glorious views, it was wonderful.
We ended up walking 13.6k, my legs definitely needed the stretch, and my chest the fresh air.
We passed less than a dozen people and a few dogs, spotted 2 robins, a sparrow, buzzards, a pheasant, sheep with their lambs, and a festival of birds singing in a tree.
The last few miles of the walk, the trees bowed over is along the tunnel path, I felt as though we were hobbits leaving The Shire.
There were dozens of exposed roots, with burrows, perfect for small creatures, as well as what I expect were rabbit or badger holes around them.
We were tempted to walk around Carisbrook castle before we heading home, though we could hear the families and dogs barking, and decided to take a different route as it looked a little too busy
Forever thankful for our Island, and cannot wait for Spring right around the corner
Good evening friends,
Roccaboxs box is Galentine’s Day themed – A box filled with 5 items and a extra treat for a pamper session ready for Valentine’s day with a loved one, your girls or a relaxing one to yourself.
Project Lip Plump & Colour – Shade Play RRP £14
Firstly, I adore the colour and the idea of a soft Matt finish with a little plumping.
I’ve used the Soap and glory glosses for years, they give a slight tingle and give your lips a little plump… This however was different.
2 swipes, I puckered my lips together and must have licked my lips, as seconds later my lips tongue and throat were on fire.
Not a tingle, but burning hot. I wiped the balm off my lips with a flannel, and spent the next 30 minutes rinsing out my mouth and trying to cool my lips with a flannel.
Just to confirm I do not have any allergies, nor was the skin broken. My lips, mouth and throat were hot a painful for the rest of the evening.
I am extremely disappointed with the product, even more so that I checked the Roccabox Instagram, there are dozens of others customers who have commented the same about this product. I’ve messaged Roccabox 3 times, over the past 2 weeks asking if the product is faulty, what products have been used to give the sensation. I’ve finally recieved a reply, but only asking me to instead email the support team.
I have emailed the team and .awaiting a reply – I understand that not everyone has the same experience with this product which makes me this there could be a faulty batch.
Crabtree & Evelyn – Soft Touch Face Foam RRP £4
This face foam has a light and fresh floral scent, I’m looking forward to lathering this up and having a pamper
Farryn Amber – Floral Oud Perfume Oil Full size RRP £18
This roll on perfume oil is gorgeous! I love a mini to try out new scents,
Sweet almond, Vanilla, Cedarwood, Jasmine Frankincense, Ylang ylang, Sweet orange. Perfect for spring
with only a few strokes across your skin, the scent of sweet honey and orange is extremely fulfilling.
Nip+Fab – No Needle Fix Eye Sheet Mask RRP £6
I haven’t used this mask yet, but love the Nip+Fab products and heard rave reviews.
Fetimans Rose Lemonade Light 250ml RRP £1 (Extra Treat)
A random but lovely little extra, I’m looking forward to my weekend, a cold glass, sat chilling with a face mask on, reading my book.
Soaper Duper – Shea Butter Body Butter RRP.£3.99 for full size (Travel size recieved)
Thick, creamy and non sticky Shea butter is Cruelty free and vegan, also smells delightful
What do you think of this month’s box?
Good afternoon friends,
This month we recieved another wonderful Birchbox, only a few months in and I’m extremely impressed with the products recieved.
This months 5 products came in a make up with the option to choose from the same bag in 2 colours, Blue or orange.
I opted for the bright blue – the bag is a decent size with a sturdy zip, plenty of room as a large make up bag, or wash bag for the gym, beach swimming pool or a weekend away.
Natural Green Jade Super Polished Gua Sha Full sized RRP £12
The first item I opened was a Facial massage tool to used over moisturizer, facial oil or cream
Similar to a jade roller, this Gua Sha can be smoothed over the skin to increasing blood flow for lymphatic drainage. Easy to clean and store in its own little pouch.
If this is one you’re not keen on, it would make a lovely gift.
Huygens Bois Rose Regenerating Face Cleanser 30ml received (RRP £22 full sized)
This face cleanser has a strong but not over powering lavender scent. The cleanser is gentle on your skin, and is Vegan and animal cruelty free.
Sensory Retreats Divine Eyes RRP £21
This warming mask can be used to unwind, or as a overnight black out mask. On the back of the mask are details of a free 85 minutes music session to accompany your relaxing evening, a nice little touch to get the most of the product.
MCoBeauty Tango Cheek & Lip Tint (Full size recieved £12)
although they are practical, I don’t often reach for a tint. The shade is orangy, not overly keen but it is easy to blend, I expect it’ll be nice to try in the summer once my skins a little sun kissed
Zesty Sicilian Lemon Body Wash
75ml received (RRP £9.99 full sized)
Cruelty free and vegan 95% Naturally derived body wash fills the room.
I’ve used the vanilla pod body wash in this brand and adore it. This is quite a thin consistency, but a little goes a long way
Once again a lovely box/bag from Birchbox.
No make up this time around, unless you found the cheek and lip tint, but as I’ve said before, at the moment, who needs it?
The weather is still all over the show and a little extra skin care is welcomed.
Good afternoon friends,
I had the intention of posting this last night, instead I drank a bottle of wine and had a 5 hour long phonecall with my best friend, however I still wanted to post this to share with you all.
I am thankful that it’s Friday afternoon, what a week its been.
For anyone else that needs to hear it, its okay if you’re not okay.
I don’t mean to sound dramatic, nothing major has happened to upset or stress me out, but I am tired, overwhelmed and feel like I’m drowning in life.
I feel the guilt of not doing or achieving enough.
Don’t get me wrong, I have the most wonderful fiance, family and friends who I love dearly, I’m fortunate that I enjoy my work, and live on this beautiful island which I call home.
I am extremely grateful for what I have, however at times I feel as though I’m not doing enough to appreciate it, and that I’m not living my life as I should. I don’t feel like I’m enough.
This week my loved ones have had to remind me,
– I can say that I’m stressed about work, but that doesnt mean that I’m ungrateful for my job
– I’m not in the mood to chat to friends on facetime, but that doesnt mean I don’t value them,
– I’m too tired to work out,that doesnt mean I’m not grateful for my health and my body.
Setting time aside daily, yes daily, is important for your well being. and no, before you question yourself, it is not selfish
15 years of depressions, self harming, and suicidal, if I feel a fraction of low, all the painful memories arise and it can seen me down the rabbit hole of thoughts.
I am thankful, beyond words. I never thought I would come out the other side. Feeling that way daily for years, I was certain that this would be my life for the time I was here, and it would be the cause of the end.
And if you too are still fighting that fight, remember, you are fighting, you are getting through it.
‘It doesn’t matter your speed, forward is forward’ – unknown
The past few days its been an emotional rollercoaster. It may be hormones, a chemical in balance, pandemic, the cold and dark winter weather, please remember it will come, and it will go (even if only for while, you’ll get through it bit by bit)
Be kind to yourself.
Get some fresh air
Take your vitamins
Do a 7 day yoga challenge
Pick a fruit, even if just one that you know you can happily eat every day (I recommend 5 here friend but we’re taking small steps)
Do something each day that fills you with joy and get lost in it. Even for just 30 minutes – even if thts reading a magazine cover to cover, a few pages of a book, lay back and listen to a podcast, or have it on in the back ground whilst you do something productive, a few episodes of your favourite series, playing an instrument, know your own happiness and feed it
And if you need to cry, then cry. Let it out.
Recognise why you’re crying, or feeling unhappy or overwhelmed, and when you’re ready, wipe those tears and address it. Make a a plan, do I really need to mention making a list? (my happy place)
‘Healing takes time, and asking for help is a courageous step’ – Mariska Hargitay
Open yourself up to people and talk about how you’re feeling.
A gentle reminder that your loved ones, although want to help you, not all of them may be the best people to speak to. Pick and choose who you can freely open up to in your darkest times, some are better at listening that others.
Everyone responds differently, some nod and will listen, others will give advice, and occasionally a few will nod but don’t acknowledge what you’ve said, but instead will spin the conversation round on them and make it all about themselves.
That has nothing to do with you, you deserve to be heard.
Although difficult, step back and think about what you want in life.
What does your future look like?
How you want to spend your free time? Make what you can possible and set your goals in a achievable time frame.
You’re never too old to set another goal, or to dream a new dream – C S Lewis
This last year, has been full of ups and downs for all, some are absolutely thriving, and others are just surviving.
I know times are hard, but find what works for you to find peace in your day.
I’ve always been goal driven and tend to try to make the most of ever hour of the day, which can leave you exhausted and feeling as thought you’ve got target but you’re on to the next without stopping to appreciate your achievements.
Your achievement for the day might be to get up, brush your teeth, wash your face, get changed, and then,
‘Start where you are, use what you have, do what you can’ Arthur Ashe
You’re not failing.
Take inspiration from others, but don’t compare yourself, it’s not a competition.
We all have different strengths and weaknesses. Different situations, jobs, income, time that we can control.
It may seem miniscule, but it’ll help, each morning think of one thing you’re looking forward to, and at the end of the day, one thing you’re thankful for.
You’ve got this.
If you are struggling, please reach out.
To friends, family or the Samaritans.
You can call (for free), email, wrote a letter or use the app
If you need to take the time to just breath, give the free Medito app a go
And finally if you want a podcast to fall into, that is open honest, and relatable, listen to ‘Open Mind with Frankie Bridge’, on Spotify and Apple
Know you are not alone, and take a moment to breath.
Wishing you all a wonderful weekend,
Good afternoon friends,
Saturday was wonderful but hectic, working until 12, then rushing to the spa, then a night out, for a moment it felt like it should be, the excitement of being rushed off your feet, out and about and making the most of your weekend.
My best friend Callum and I have had a few spa days together over the past couple of years, and jumped at the chance when we saw a deal for a spa day at The Lakeside
For £90 between us, we had booked for use of the spa, a Elemis 20 minute back, next and shoulder massage each, and a afternoon tea.
£45 each for lunch, a massage and to drift away for a few hours was worth every penny
They had dressed the lakeside beautifully for Christmas. I always think it is a beautiful spa, but with the added Christmas trees and sparkling lights, it made it that little bit more wonderful.
There was a wedding that was held there at the same time, but we didn’t get a glimpse of it at all, as they were in another part of the building, but I can see the appeal.
Our spa afternoon started with lunch, a gorgeous variety of finger sandwiches, scones, fruit and plain, with clotted cream and jam, and mini cakes. Along with a shared pot of tea and a couple of pink gins, we were settled and relaxed
After lunch we got changed and relaxed in the bubble lounge before being led to our rooms for a massage.
My massause had magical hands, the warm oil and relaxing music had me struggling to stay awake. It was incredible
After our massages we spent some time in the outdoor hot tub, indoor jacuzzi, pool, and steam room, all whilst having a good old catch up.
I was a little skeptical at first, due to Covid, but there were limited people in each area, booking times were spaced out, and the spa looked clean and felt safe.
I am thankful for a escape, with a friend, even if it was just for a few hours
Good morning friends,
Friday afternoon I recieved my second Bathbox. May’s theme is ‘Dreams’.
I’m I’m definate need of a little something special this months, and ove been looking forward to my bathbox since last month!
Dream catcher bomb RRP £3.50
One of the prettiest bath bombs I’ve ever, I dont know if I want to use it. With a sweet sherbet like scent, I think I may wait to use this one when I want a pamper night.
Sparkling Dreams Bomb RRP £4.50
I can’t say I’ve tried an orange scented bath bomb before as never too sure on lemon or orange for skin care but this bitter orange one smells insane, perfect when you need a bit of get up and go.
Man in the moon bomb RRP £3.50
This bathbomb is incredibly heavy, smells deliciously and is sprinkled in glitter.
This was the first one to meet my bath, and wow. The most calming floral scent, leaving me with a slight body shimmer after, it was perfect right before bed.
Lavender dream bag RRP £0.99
Now this is exactly what I needed, without knowing.
I think we can agree we’re all a little stressed at the moment. Now this might just be a placebo, but ivw had this little bag tucked into my pillow the last few nights, and I’ve never slept better.
Sleep Easy Salts RRP £3.50
I havent used these yet, or finished my last ones, but looking forward to treating myself with these luxurious lavender Epsom salts.
I am absolutly in love with this subscription box. The quality, the price, the fact that so much thought and care has been put into it and that its always tied to a theme, instead of just random bits and bond thrown together. The perfect gift